Do you deserve to be loved?
That’s an interesting question, isn’t it? Some might say, it depends on whether you are a good person. Others might say that love is unconditional.
In some cultures, including one I was raised in, parents might use love as a kind of privilege, something to be earned, deserved, not readily given. I’ve heard some parents telling their children that if they do not behave well, their parents will leave them and become a parent to another child. This suggests that love can be given as a reward or removed as punishment.
The repercussions of this way of conditional parenting can be detrimental because it sends a message to the child that if he or she does something incorrectly, they are no longer worthy of love. This is what shame feels like – feeling unworthy of love or belonging.
If an individual internalizes this message, then she might always fear being rejected, being criticized, being imperfect. The strive for perfection in this case would not be due to a personal need for achievement. No. It would be due to the deeply rooted desire to survive, to belong. To be loved.
When I recently did a Facebook poll on this very question and received many private emails, texts, and phone calls from people who could relate to this struggle. That is because this struggle is universal. We all want to be loved, to belong, to feel good enough, like we fit in. However, many of us might have been shamed for this very basic need, called “weak” or “needy,” or were told that we were somehow undeserving of love.
So many of us might have purposely or accidentally been given the message that love is conditional. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t or it shouldn’t be. I’m here to tell you that you deserve to be loved. For everything you are, for all your mistakes and imperfections that make you more beautiful than you can possibly realize, you deserve to be loved. For all your smiles, your struggles and achievement, for all your hobbies, your excitement, for all your joy and all your sorrow, you deserve to be loved.
Why does this happen? Why do people shame us for our needs? Many people might have been shamed themselves and thus learned to shut out their basic needs and therefore might respond the same way to others. Other people might feel uncomfortable with the suffering of others and as a result might offer an insensitive advice or just ignore it, not because they do not care but rather because they do not know how to help.
It takes a lot of courage to ask for what we need and sometimes we might not even know what that might be. For me, when I am struggling with my depression or anxiety monsters I need physical affection (hug) and a reminder of my worth. This was extremely difficult for me to admit to myself, let alone to my partner, let alone to the world because I felt “weak” for not being able to handle my emotions. However, the more I opened up about exactly what I needed, the more likely I was to get it and the stronger I felt. And you know what? Receiving kindness either from myself or from my loved ones allows me to be kinder to other and in turn I noticed that when I am kinder to others, they are kinder too.
Even though you may not have been taught this, even if you were taught the opposite of this, know that you deserve to be loved. And you are. ALWAYS ❤️
May you feel how deeply loved you are.
