Have you ever had an experience like this: you’re surrounded by many people and yet you feel very alone. In fact, you might have even attempted to voice how you felt to someone else only to be shamed for feeling this way, “you shouldn’t feel lonely, look at all the people around you,” or better yet “other people have it much worse than you, you should be grateful for what you have.”
If someone has ever told you such things (or if you told them to yourself), how did you feel afterward? Did you feel better? Did your depression just lift away as you suddenly recognized that you have been ungrateful and made you appreciate everything you have? Chances are, your answer to these questions was NO.
So why is that? Why do we sometimes feel so very alone even when surrounded by other people. The answer is because depression makes it hard to form a connection with others. Connection refers to connecting with another being, human or animal, or even an inanimate object, which has meaning to the connector. It is true that when depression sinks its vicious claws in it can be very difficult to make such a connection, as things that used to bring you joy no longer do. This lack of pleasure in things that you used to enjoy is called anhedonia. Anhedonia is a part of depression, which can further add to someone’s suffering. However, there is a solution.
The solution is paradoxical in nature, and this solution is to form a meaningful connection. This connection can include reaching out to a friend or family member, spending time with your dog, or participating in hobbies, such as painting or photography. Very often when we are depressed, we might not want to do these things, in fact, we might not want to do anything at all. However, a very interesting thing happens when we make a meaningful connection: our bodies release oxytocin, which is a hormone that makes us feel pleasure. This very hormone also strengthens our immune system and builds resilience. The more meaningful connections we make, the more this hormone will be released.
How to make a meaningful connection?
Pick something that you value, the kind of person you strive to be. For example, if you strive to be a good parent, then pick spending some time with your children, if you are an artist, then connect with art, if you value being compassionate toward other people, then you can try to connect with others. Once you have chosen your valued connection, choose a small step that you can take to establish that connection. For example, if you value being a good parent, you can start by just giving a hug to your child, if you value social connections, then begin by having a small conversation with someone else.
As you begin to take steps in making a connection, take effort to mindfully observe this experience. Use your curiosity to guide you. For example, if you chose to try a new food, take time to notice the way that it tastes, smells, feels, the way that it warms up or cools your mouth, and how you feel after you eat it. I find that the sense of touch is a very powerful sense when exploring mindfulness. How often have you touched the trees in your neighborhood just to know what they feel like, or the walls in your office building? This is a simple way you can make a connection.
Last and perhaps the most important step here is nonjudgmental awareness. We tend to be extremely judgmental toward ourselves and hold ourselves to very high standards. In fact, we tend to be more critical to ourselves than we are toward our worst enemies. Do you notice the harsh names you tend to call yourself? We all do it, however, we can also practice being kinder to ourselves. Think of what you would tell your best friend or someone else that you really care about if they were going through this. Thus, remember that there is not right or wrong way to try to connect to someone and there is no specific way that it “should” turn out. It just is.
Making connections can be very challenging when you are suffering from depression and very often you might really not want to connect with anyone or anything, yet paradoxically, this very connection is exactly what is most helpful in reducing symptoms of depression and making it more manageable. Remember that a connection does not have to be big, it could be as small as a hug, or playing a video game, or connecting with your favorite book or TV show. Whichever step you take, make a commitment to connect to it fully, with curiosity and without judgment.
So reach out, touch someone’s hand, taste the strawberries, connect with a stranger, make full contact and see what happens 🙂
