Self-compassion for the modern geek

I believe that most of us are compassionate individuals, that is when we see other people or other animals suffering, most of us genuinely want to be a Superhero and to help. However, what happens when we are too emotionally overwhelmed to help someone else? This blog post and video discuss how we can practice self-care so that we are able to reduce burnout and are better able to take care of ourselves and others.

Did you ever make a mistake and call yourself “an idiot” for making it? Were you ever hard on yourself for experiencing physical or emotional pain? Most of us have, I have too. In fact, it seems that it’s easier to be critical and outright mean to ourselves than to treat ourselves with kindness. Therefore, self-compassion is a kind of Jedi superpower that takes a long time to learn and a lifetime to maintain. But don’t sweat, there are small steps you can start taking today to work on this superpower.

So, what exactly is self-compassion?

Self-compassion refers to offering self-care to ourselves when we need it. Think of someone in your life that you love unconditionally, maybe a child, a partner, a friend, or a pet. Can you think of a time when this person (or pet) was not feeling well? Do you remember the kind of love and sadness you might have felt? Perhaps you gave them a hug or a kiss, made them comfortable, and wished for them to feel better. This is compassion. Self-compassion refers to treating ourselves the same way as we would a loved one, with love and patience, meaning that we would practice supporting ourselves when we are going through a hard time, maybe giving ourselves a hug or acknowledging how much this moment hurts, as we would with a child (“I know this hurts, I’m so sorry, honey, I hope you feel better soon.”) This soothing and comforting practice initially may seem really difficult or even fake, especially if you, like me, spend a good chunk of your life criticizing yourself. With time, this practice gets easier and allows us to work with the challenge, instead of punishing ourselves for being hurt, adding more pain to the injury.

Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Kristin Neff, consists of 3 parts: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Mindfulness is the ability to notice what you feel, think, and experience in the present moment. Very often we are either worried about the future or are upset about the past, almost like mental time travel; this can take us away from living our life in the present. Even The Doctor, once he’s arrived at a specific location would then focus on the problem at hand and on what he is currently experiencing. Being aware of feelings and sensations is one of the essential skills in Jedi training, as seen in Star Wars.

The next component of self-compassion is common humanity. Common humanity refers to the recognition that we are very similar to other beings in that we all wish to be happy and we all want to not be in pain (physical or emotional). This is important for many reasons. First, this understanding allows us to be more supportive of others. For example, when Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, many of us probably felt empathic and sad, wishing we could help. This is largely because as we get to know other people, animals, or even fictional characters, we can identify with them. It’s almost like they are a part of us. For example, do you remember the part of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, where Sirius got killed and Harry, full of rage, trashed Dumbledore’s office? Dumbledore did not try to stop him, he did not get angry at Harry, instead he supported and validated him. Dumbledore understanding what Harry was going through is common humanity. Us, readers, understanding what Harry was going through, was also common humanity. We can also apply the same principle to strangers: if we see someone we don’t know getting bullied, for example, we can imagine how we would feel, and by being connected to that person and by recognizing their pain, we can act in an altruistic and compassionate way.

The concept of common humanity can also be applied toward ourselves. In recognizing that we don’t want our loved ones to be in pain and want for them to be happy and comfortable, we can practice the third concept of self-compassion, which is self-kindness. Self-kindness means being kind to ourselves when we are going through a hard time. Just as we would comfort our friend, child, dog, or cat, when they are ill or scared, we would aim to give ourselves a similar kind of love and kindness. A small act of self-compassion might be to put our hands on our heart while we are stressed out. After a little while of doing this, this action often produces a release of a powerful hormone, oxytocin, which when released at the time of stress, can soothe us and make us more comfortable. Another thing we can do for ourselves, is take a little self-compassionate break. Most of us are so overworked and busy that the very idea of a break can be enough to increase our muscle tension and frustration. What I’ve noticed, is that as little as a 1 minute break between tasks or once an hour, can sometimes be enough to give me the energy and the resilience I need to work long hours.

Why self-compassion?

If you’ve ever flown on an airplane, you might remember the safety announcements that airlines provide before the plane takes off. One of the things they say is that if the cabin pressure changes, oxygen masks will be provided. They ask that you put on your own mask first, before assisting others. Why do you think that is? This is because if you pass out, it will be difficult for you to assist others. Self-compassion, through small breaks, through hands on heart, through spending time doing things that we love and geek out about, such as going to Comic Con, watching Doctor Who, or having game night with our friends, can often give us the very rest and energy boost that we need. Recent research studies find that those people who spend time with their friends/have a support group, live longer and healthier, compared to those people who do not. This means that geeking out with your friends can possibly save your life!

So go game, Cosplay, and get your geek on, it’s good for you!

Dr. Janina Scarlet is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a scientist, and a full time geek. She uses Superhero Therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and PTSD at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Management and Sharp Memorial Hospital. Dr. Scarlet also teaches at Alliant International University, San Diego. Her book, Superhero Therapy, is expected to be released in 2016 with Little, Brown Book Group.

If you would like to learn more about Superhero Therapy, please feel free to contact Dr. Janina Scarlet via Twitter @shadowquill, Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Shadow.Scarletl, or via her website at www.superhero-therapy.com