Every day someone’s heart gets broken and every day someone experiences hurt. Break-ups are pretty much never easy. Quite the contrary, they are usually messy and extremely painful.
What makes a break-up even harder is what we tell ourselves about what it means that our relationship status has changed. As painful as a breakup can be, our interpretations about what the breakup suggests about ourselves is even more painful. Very often we interpret breakups as reflections of ourselves, i.e., we believe ourselves to be a failure, “not good enough to sustain a relationship or keep a partner,” or “not desirable enough.”
The truth is, breakups are inevitable, as are any changes we encounter. A recent article from Psychology Today discusses how breakups are really an opportunity for growth and breakthroughs. Here’s a quote from the article: “so what if, instead of seeing breakups as failures, we saw breakups as quantum leaps into our new lives? What if our intimate relationships don’t exist to survive forever, they exist because they’re teaching us valuable lessons, and breakups are the graduation?”
So how can we mend a broken heart?
First, it’s important to recognize that breakups are natural and that change is a part of life. Very often we believe that we are the only ones that went through something difficult and this thought can be very alienating. However, recognizing that other people go through painful changes as well can make us feel a little bit less alone. (Note, recognizing that other people are also going through something painful as well, in no way implies that what you are going through is not valid. Quite on the contrary, it implies that you are suffering and that you are not alone).
Second, give yourself some self-compassion. Self-compassion refers to kindness toward yourself, not unlike the kindness you would offer a loved one who is going through a hard time. Give yourself a hug (or hug a pillow), make yourself some hot tea, allow yourself to grieve, grieving is a part of healing.
Third, surround yourselves with people, in particular, people that you can connect with. When we connect with other people around us, our bodies release certain hormones (e.g. oxytocin), which allow us to heal, recover, and feel more connected. These hormones also improve our immune function and overall well-being.
Fourth, focus on your values. What are the most important things in your life? Is it your children, your pets, your friends, or your career? A good way to get at the answer to this question is to ask yourself, how would I want to be remembered when I am gone? What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind. Taking steps in the direction of your values is a powerful motivator and is something that allows for healing and resilience.
Hence, if you’re going through a painful breakup or a difficult transition at this time, take a breath, give yourself the kind of loving care you would to someone else, surround yourself with a support group, and don’t forget to live.
I leave you with a wish that you will be happy, that you will be healthy, that you will be free from suffering, and that you will be full of love. May your heart heal, and may your difficult experience blossom into something beautiful.
