When I woke up on Friday something felt wrong. It felt as if someone punched me in the gut repeatedly. Despair. Pushing away these emotions without taking the time to figure out why I was feeling them nor taking the time to provide myself with the compassion and comfort that I needed, I headed to Camp Pendleton, where I focused on my clients with PTSD.
My work is when I feel alive. I am so incredibly privileged to be able to help others, to have them trust me enough to see them through their most vulnerable moments, to have me help them through their suffering and guide them on their journey to recovery. I felt better. Hopeful. My stomach wasn’t tightening as much.
However, once I got out of work, the feeling returned tenfold. My mind was screaming at me, “SOMETHING’S WRONG!” I chose to ignore it, shush it, and head to my other job at the anxiety clinic. At 4:00pm on the verge of a panic attack, which I rarely have, I decided to call my mom. She picked up on the 2nd ring.
“Hello?” she said. There were voices in the background. The immediate thought that went through my head was that my parents are probably at a restaurant and I might be interrupting their dinner.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“At the hospital with your dad.” She answered calmly. Her tone made me think that perhaps it was a minor procedure. Like me, my dad has a history of heavy nosebleeds after we were all exposed to Chernobyl radiation. I thought that perhaps he went in for that.
“What happened?” I asked, remaining calm, taking an emotional cue from my mom.
“He overdosed on Ambien. He left a note.”
The words were like a bombshell in my mind.
“hwye8 3709udj m0qmeoka; lkkhkjgkjh” and other gibberish was all my brain could come up with for a few minutes. The stomach was under attack again, as my throat felt as if someone was choking me.
After a few minutes of mutual silence I was thrown back by a tidal wave of anger toward my mom. How could she have been so calm right now? Then immediately the logical part of my brain answered that question, She wasn’t calm, she was stoic. For her own sake. And for mine.
After taking a few breaths to calm down, I managed to ask my mother a few more questions before she had to get off the phone to meet with the attending psychiatrist.
Making a conscious decision to put my emotions on hold, holding my breath as much as I could, I went into immediate problem solving mode. Do I still see my clients tonight or do I cancel? My immediate cognitive reaction was to still see them but the creeping tears from the blanket of my emotional avoidance told me that it wasn’t a good idea.
Stoic. Like my mom.
I called my clients to cancel, stating that I had a family emergency. They were all understanding and wished me well.
Once I got off the phone with my last client, I then called my friend to pick me up. By the time he picked up the phone my emotions came charging out like football players onto the field. I never realized that it was possible to feel so many contradicting emotions all at once – guilt, shame, anger, confusion, relief that he’s alive, fear, empathy for both of my parents, somehow numbness, if that makes any sense, and deep rooted devastation.
While waiting for my ride home I noticed myself slipping into the self-blame mode. I was just in NY with my parents two weeks prior to this. I knew my dad was a bit depressed and struggled with sleep. I helped set him up with a therapist, I gave him some breathing and self-compassion resources to help him manage his symptoms, I spent time with him. WHAT DID I MISS?
The guilt was eating away at me like a hungry vulture, “You’re a freakin’ psychologist! You should have known. You’re supposed to “have your sh*t together!” Why are you falling apart like this? You should just be grateful that he’s alive.”
These thoughts continued until I made the conscious decision to open up to 4 of my friends. One of them had a family member die by suicide, another recently lost an acquaintance to suicide. Having people to talk to and be able to normalize this experience was extremely powerful for me. In reflecting on this I saw that I was judging myself the very way that most of my patients with PTSD judge themselves. Connecting with others helped reduced my own self-stigma.
Over the past few days my emotions have been changing at the very least hourly. Oscillating between extreme gratitude, guilt, numbness, compassion, and excruciating sadness, I was able to connect, while at times needing to numb my emotions and lie to my unsuspecting friends who would randomly text or email me for the past few days to say hello and ask how things are going.
This morning I made a conscious choice to go to yoga as a form of self-care. About half-way through the class the emotions harshly hit me in the face. It was around the time I really started to relax my body and the inhibition locks I placed on my mind were starting to open up as well. There was a moment of panic. Should I leave the class and go cry in the bathroom? There was also a critical moment, Stop it! Pull yourself together! Making a deliberate choice to stay in the room and practice self-compassion, I placed my hand on my heart and breathed as I continued my exercises. A few tears dropped, I don’t think anyone even noticed, but I felt relief.
I wasn’t sure if I should talk or write about this or if I should keep this to myself and the 4 people I had told. After careful consideration and after seeing the benefits of open communication about this first hand, I decided to write about it. I realized that by not talking about this I am stigmatizing suicide and mental health conditions. I don’t want to do that. Perhaps this is a controversial statement but I am of the opinion that suicide isn’t always preventable. Sure, sometimes there are signs but sometimes there aren’t and by avoiding the topic we might be adding to the problem. Sometimes when someone attempts or dies by suicide, we might feel the need to lie about what truly happened to them for the fear of being stigmatized. I believe that we might sometimes, maybe even often times, be able to help the person who is considering suicide (click here to find out more information) and we also need to openly talk about it and offer love and support for the surviving family members. I’m hoping to start an open conversation about suicidality to reduce stigma that currently exists about it. If you or anyone you know has ever felt suicidal or if you lost someone to suicide, I would love to hear from you.
If you or a loved one are considering suicide, you can always call 911 or the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text the Crisis Test Line: 741-741 and they will tell you exactly what to do. If you are going through something and don’t know how to cope, please reach out. If you see someone else struggling and you’re not sure if they need help, ask. It might be the very action that could save their life. Suicide usually stems from the feelings of hopelessness and the lack of coping resources. If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts or another mental health condition, consider seeing a therapist or telling your therapist if you are already seeing one in order to get the resources that you need to help you through.
Sending much love into the universe and to all of you.
Dr. Janina Scarlet is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a scientist, and a full time geek. She uses Superhero Therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and PTSD at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Management and Sharp Memorial Hospital. Dr. Scarlet also teaches at Alliant International University, San Diego. Her book, Superhero Therapy, is expected to be released in July 2016 with Little, Brown Book Group.
If you would like to learn more about Superhero Therapy, please feel free to contact Dr. Janina Scarlet via Twitter @shadowquill, Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Shadow.Scarletl, or via her website at www.superhero-therapy.com
Thank you for sharing. If you’d like electronic hugs, please accept the ones heading your way.
As someone who lives with depression and anxiety (but never seriously attempted suicide), and comes from a family that does as well (several who have made attempts), and has had others marry into the family who do (one who has attempted), and have several friends who do (one who has attempted), I’m always glad when people are willing to be open about it. I hate the whispers that make it seem like something unspeakable has happened; that the person in question is now so broken that we need to tip-toe around the issue.
I ask. I ask how therapy is going. I ask is known stresses are still triggering. I ask if they need a hug. Of course, if they tell me they’d rather not talk I don’t press the issue, I just let them know I’m there if they need me.
I’ve also been known to ask if they’d like to hear a completely inappropriate joke. Two takers so far and both have appreciated it. Of course, we’re both inappropriate and twisted… so there’s that.
The other thing I’ve found that one friend in particular appreciated hearing that I DON’T know if everything will be alright, but I’ll be there even if it isn’t.
Hi Jess. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I’m so glad that you are there for your loved ones this way. And you’re right, honesty, like the fact that we don’t know that everything will be ok but that we can be there, is helpful.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling too. Sending love and warm wishes your way.
Warmly,
Janina Scarlet
Hi Janina,
As we head into serious editing of my film this Fall I realize how this post ties into topics interviewees have brought up during the process. I feel some more will get added into the film soon.
Thank you for the bravery to speak so openly about this. Those of us who can be open can maybe give strength to those who are tied up in fear. That’s why I have opened up during my lifetime about my tough experiences. Always attempting to avoid triggering lines I tell people I was an abused child. It seems to assist others in talking a bit. I also am not afraid to discuss my suicidal feelings since I found, for me, some ways to move past it, perhaps ways that others can’t use but at least I can speak of it. Suicidal feels can be so scary.
I hope your father and all of you are doing better now.
🙂 mike phillips
Thank you so much, Mike. I’m so sorry about what you’d been through. Thank you so much for your kindness and best of luck with your film.
As a longtime fan of you and your blog, it made me so sad to read this 🙁 I really hope your dad is doing okay now! And you and your mom too. If I have any advice to give (as someone whose close relative attempted suicide and sadly succeeded), it’s this – cry now, not later. Because the longer you stuff those feelings down or push them away, the harder it is to get them out again.
Do take care, and thank you for being brave enough to share this with us 🙂
Thank you so much for your powerful and supportive comment. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. How are you now? Are you well? Are you safe?
Thank you for your support and your advice, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
Sending warm wishes your way
I finally was able to share publicly about my sons suicide. Dec 13 will be the 10th anniversary. It never goes away. I struggled with why it was important to tell his story. Fear of those thinking I was morbid or not moving forward. Staying stuck in the past. Yet, there are people dying not knowing the truth about the pain for family and friends or that there is help and never give up! I’m glad I found you on FB. Timothy Anderson Jordan,II
3/8/81-12/13/05
Wow, Cindy.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your loss. I am also deeply inspired by your courage and connection.
You are right. There are people that die without ever knowing the truth. I’m hoping that by working toward reducing the stigma, those who lost loved ones to suicide can get the support they need.
Thank you so much for reaching out. Sending love and healing your way.
Warmly,
Janina Scarlet
Janina,
I would like to say thank you so very much for sharing your story. I lived 37 years without being touched by suicide. On Sept 13,2014 I was awakened by a phone call from my Mom, hysterical yelling that she thinks my brother is dead. I jumped in my car and rushed to her house after telling her to call 911 to find that my 43 year old brother had completed suicide in her garage by carbon monoxide from his truck. There were no signs before. On March 3,2015 our 15 year old neighbor completed suicide by gunshot. Once again there were no signs. On March 13,2015 my 15 year old son attempted suicide by overdose. By the grace of God he is still alive thanks to a good friend he reached out to who had the courage to tell us. We worry everyday about him and have had him in extensive in patient and out patient therapy. We have since learned he has felt tremendous guilt over not knowing and stopping the suicide of his friend. We have learned suicide can strike anyone at anytime. I truly believe this epidemic of loss can only be stopped by sharing our stories and educating others. I am working to have suicide prevention added to curriculum in our schools as teen suicide is rampant. So once again thank you from the bottem of my heart. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your powerful story. I’m so sorry for all your losses and am so relieved that your son survived. I am extremely inspired by your courage and heroism in raising awareness about suicide prevention. The more we talk about it, the less stigma there is, the more people can get the help that they need.
Thank you again and sending love and warmth your way.
This is such a brave story to tell. You’re a hero for sharing it.
My dad died by suicide 15 years ago, and I always find the idea that “suicide is preventable” to be a message I have mixed feelings about as well. On the one hand, it’s empowering for people who are observing the signs a loved one is contemplating suicide but aren’t sure what to do or whether anything can be done – very important, and life-saving in many cases, I’m sure. On the other, I find it a problematic message for those who have lost or almost lost a loved one to suicide. When those people are hurting and healing, that additional burden of thinking that they could have or should have prevented it can be an unfortunate addition to the pain. I’m so glad that you have been able to see beyond this and give yourself the credit and care you deserve.
Sending tons of love to you and your family! Thank you for sharing and keeping the conversation flowing.
Erin,
Thank you so much for your powerful comment. I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. How are you now?
You’re absolutely right, I think that that message can sometimes add to the family’s suffering by implying that they should have been able to prevent it. I don’t think it’s always preventable.
Thank you so much for the well wishes. Sending lots of love and life to you and your expanded family.
Hi Janina,
Thank you for sharing this. I look up to you so much and I think it’s very brave of you to tell your story. I share the feeling of guilt over not being able to help a loved one in pain. I think as therapists we blame ourselves threefold. You’re right, we do need to end stigmas and talk about this.
Sending you all of my support and positive thoughts for you and your family.
Denisse,
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so sorry to hear that you have also struggled with helping a loved one in pain. It’s always hard, and in some ways might be even harder in our profession. Sending love and warmth your way and to your loved ones
I found this post last night before going to bed and it brought me comfort so thank you for being open. I recently lost my biological father to suicide and while our relationship was estranged at best, The effects have left their mark nonetheless. I, too, have felt overwhelming waves of panic and emotion and mostly fear that this experience was going to change who I am somehow just because there’s so much crap out there you can read that’s not helpful at all! I’ve come to understand that this experience was a trauma and what it i has done for m is actually triggered memories of previous trauma which initially made me feel “crazy” until I began to understand it better. I, too, have sought out yoga as a form of self-care and have begun talking to a therapist even though I was hesitant because I didn’t want to get “stuck” in this time of my life! Do you think you will seek therapy as well? Thank you for your post…
Hi Rachel,
Thank you so much for your powerful comment. I’m so sorry about your loss and I’m so glad you reached out. You’re right, trauma can feel as if you’re “crazy” and the more we open up about it and the more self-care we have, the more we heal. I often say that trauma is like food poisoning – we have to “process” it to get it out of our system, otherwise it just sits there poisoning is from the inside.
I’m so glad that you’re in therapy and are going to yoga. I’m working with a therapist as well, who’s been incredibly supportive and encouraging.
Sending much love and healing your way.
Warmly,
Janina Scarlet
Thank you, Janina! In your work, have you found it common for current trauma to stir up old trauma and other issues? I am definitely doing my best to “process” – in fact, I feel like I’ve been running around trying to process as quickly and “perfectly” as possible if that makes sense? Is there a particular type of therapy you prefer over others? The stigma of our experience is truly unfair! If you have found anything that helps you to process more effectively, please share:)
Hi Rachel,
It is absolutely common for a new trauma to strip up the old. In fact, that’s kind of how our brain works – it’s trying to make sense of things and tries to make connections to similar experiences. The therapies that tend to work best (in my opinion) for this are Cognitive Processing Therapy (a specific subtype of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on trauma) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In addition, Prolonged Exposure Therapy tends to be good for trauma processing as well but the other two I listed are ones I do with my patients and ones I know the most about.
Hope this helps. Sending you love and healing wishes.
Thank you!
Dr. Scarlet,
I am so sorry you and your family experienced this trauma, and sincerely hope your father is feeling better as well as yourself and your family.
I just wanted to say that I completely agree: there are not always signs that one is contemplating, or planning, suicide. In my opinion, I think sometimes people who are serious about it do not want others to know of their intentions (for fear of further judgment, someone trying to stop them, forced admission into a hospital, etc.).
I think many people contemplate suicide, particularly those who suffer from a mental disorder. After stopping and thinking, “If there are sometimes no signs of suicide, how can it be stopped?” The only answer I could come up with is by starting at the root of the problem, I think: The more the stigma is removed from mental disorders, the more people will feel comfortable in discussing problems such as depression, anxiety, etc. that are at the root of peoples’ suicidal thoughts. If that makes sense. We may not know whether someone is suicidal (even if we ask, they can say, “No”), but if we help them, can get them to talk about what is bothering them, show kindness and compassion, I think we can prevent suicide from happening (maybe without even knowing it). Personally, I know a kind word, or just feeling like I am not alone, can turn my world around, in a good way.
This is why I love to see you and so many others reaching out and making yourselves available. The stigma is real, and it truly holds people back from seeking help (for fear of being labeled or treated differently, etc.). Thank you for everything you do.
Elizabeth
Thank you so much, Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for your wonderful and very important comment
I agree completely, the stigma is real and the more we talk about it, the more we address it, the more people might get the help that they need. I hope to one day live in the world where mental health is not stigmatized and where people are able to openly talk about their needs.
Warmly,
Janina Scarlet
Hey Janina,
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and discussing this matter so openly. I was taking part in a similar discussion only a few weeks ago: After the film “Wie die anderen” (german for “Like The Others”), a new documentary about an Austrian Child and Youth Psychiatric Station, the director, a doctor from the station and we as audience discussed various topics regarding the film. Of course one of the first questions was if it is the “right” thing showing these young people, especially regarding their later lifes and blablabla… simple answer was: of course it is the right thing, we need to talk about young people not only being suicidal, but simply different in terms of mentally ill, otherwise we will not get rid of this big social silence / taboo about those things.! You can find the film here, it is really sensitively made and nice: http://liketheothers.net/ (unfortunately no english version at the moment I think…).
For my part, I’m 20 and have been mentally ill for most of my life. I too have had suicidal thoughts more than enough, but always managed somehow to escape an attempt… And I too know many people alike, but we’re talking about those things, which just makes us so much more connected. I’ve just been half a year in Psychiatry and now for the first time in my life I’m able to care for myself – which basically (in every sense) means enough eating, enough sleep / silence / time for my own, doing things which make me feel good., showering regularly, … I simply never learned all this, but now I can, and with this started to create a basis for MY life, which started already. Of course, with ongoing therapy every week and meds, but still, it is a beginning, and I’m really thankful nearly every day for friends and other people who care about me, knowing I’m not alone.
And I’m thankful, for people like you, who are not afraid to discuss such matters openly not only when they are talking about their clients or patients, but also when they are making such experiences in their own life. – really, thank you for that! I know many ill people who feel like they can talk better to other ill people than their therapist, because other ill people ‘just understand’. – while they forget, that their therapists or doctors are also just people. And I honestly are too only in such a good shape today, because my therapist is quite open about himself too (of course not with too personal things, but simply letting me know simple things about him make him seem so much more humanly) – which then of course makes it so much easier to open myself and let go! Aaaah, I just love that he’s there, haha. 🙂 So please, keep this up, you’re making this world a better place everyday. 🙂 Thank you.!
All the best, love & peace from Austria,
Gabriel. 🙂
Thank you so much, Gabriel, for your heartfelt message. I’m so glad to hear about your process and recovery. So glad you were able to find a therapist that helped you in so many ways 🙂
Warm wishes,
Janina Scarlet